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I just heard these and thought you guys would enjoy them:

Scientists have discovered that at one point in a womens life she will contain intellegent DNA, the problem is that 95% of them spit it out.

How do we Santa is a man?

He always shows up late, eats your food, empties his sack, comes only once and leaves before you wake up.

lol

What do you guys have?

--Garrett
 

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This wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry... but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times per day, He'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's O.K." commented the woman.

In the very next room they could see that a young nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my God!" "How can that be justified?"

The doctor replied.... "Same illness, better health plan."
 

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A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the

cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated, "You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She

looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual

about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital

status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly
 

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hiimj0ne said:
Your momma looked in the mirror... and she broke. ahahahaha. :p
hahahahahahahaha!!! oh man, thats the best one yet ;)

your mom... ohhh, that one always gets me
 

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davew7 said:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk

standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the

cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated, "You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She

looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual

about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital

status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly
ahahahahhahahahahaha. lol. wow.
 

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A woman playing golf, hits her ball into a water hazard...
As she is looking for her ball, out pops a magical frog.
The frog says to the woman, "Your ball is in the water, but I can grant you three wishes. However, whatever you wish for will also be granted to your husband, but 10,000 times over..."
The woman thinks a bit & says, " I wish to be the most desireable woman in the world!"
The frog reminds her that she will indeed be the most desireable woman in the world, but her husband will also be the most desired man as well.
She says, "I can live with that!"
She then asks to be the richest woman in the world. The frog again reminds her that her hubby will become the richest man in the world...
She says, "I can live with that!"
The frog then asks what her third & final wish is...
She replies......... :evil:
























































"I would like to have a minor heart attack!" :lol:

Putt
 

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After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

“Oh,” I said, “So now you’re speaking to me.”

He looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for three days?” I challenged.

“No,” he said, “I just thought we were getting along.”
 

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There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, “So what’s new in your life?”

The other responded, “Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there’s someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.”

The other man says, “My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.”

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what’s eating him. He responded, “I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach.”
 

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davew7 said:
This wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry... but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times per day, He'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's O.K." commented the woman.

In the very next room they could see that a young nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient. Again the woman screamed, "Oh my God!" "How can that be justified?"

The doctor replied.... "Same illness, better health plan."
PWAHAHAHAHA, I wish there was a smiley emoticon that had milk squirting out his nose from laughing!! That one was good.
 

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A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner,

walks up to him and hands him a menu.



"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a

fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."



A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks

up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.



The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah,yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."



Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells

his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened.



The blind man eats and leaves.



Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly

brings him a menu again.



"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."



"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork."



The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.



After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll

take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."



Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing

around with him and tells his wife Gladys that the next time the blind man comes in

hes going to test him.



He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming

and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Gladys, rub this fork on your

panties before I take it to the blind man." Gladys complies and hands

her husband the fork.



As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I have your fork

ready for you."



The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Hey, I

didn't know Gladys worked here!"
 

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The husband had just finished reading a new book,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
 

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heres another one. gotta love office e-mail!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these,
Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of
that in health class at school." He looks over the display and
picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who
are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
picking up a 12 pack.


With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
 

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For all the golfers on here!

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1 Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.
2 Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3 Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4 For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5 Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6 The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7 It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8 Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9 Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10 Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11 Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12 Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13 Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14 It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15 The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
 

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Another funny condom one!


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
>with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
>her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
>for the first time.
>
>Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
>a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the
>boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know
>about condoms and sex.
>
>At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
>to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
>family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
>first time and all.
>
>That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
>girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
>come on in!"
>
>The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
>parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
>head.
>
>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
>down.
>
>10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
>
>Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
>and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
>
>The boy turns, and whispers back,
>"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist
>
>
>
>
>
 

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I have like 2 yrs worth of jokes bro. It could never end. Hopefully they are all good. Just think if I could get all my pics and vids on here too!
 

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> > A Wife's Tender Concern
> >
> > When Charles first noticed that his penis was growing larger and
> > staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
> >
> > After several weeks his penis had grown to nearly sixteen inches and
> > was close to dragging the ground.
> >
> > Charles became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
prominent
> > urologist.
> >
> > After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple
that,
> > though rare, Charles' condition could be cured through corrective
surgery.
> >
> > "How long will Charles be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
> >
> > "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
> > doctor.
> >
> > "Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen his
> > legs, aren't you
 
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