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EPIC STORY


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right ****ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "FOR SALE" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a$$hole!!"
Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up) He asked, "are you still there?" I said, "Yeah" and he screamed, "Stop ****ing calling me!" I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live Don?" I said, "A$$hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole!!" and hung up.

Then I called a$$hole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a$$hole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "you'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick you're a$$," I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
 

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For you Car Lovers...Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the "Clitarus". It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it --- let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month. Plus it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger. This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
 

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Pining for "DMSentra"
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A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
 

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Pining for "DMSentra"
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Ole, a Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman doesn’t want to hire him, so he says he won't hire
him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers,
represent the number 9.'
'Witout numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
What's this?' the boss asks.
Vot! You got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time represent
the number 99.'
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go!'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'You must be from Iowa …Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree.
Dat is 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last
question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go! Von hundred!'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The Norwegian winces and shakes his head…UFF-DAH…you must be a Finlander from Iowa…he leans forward
and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat makes von hundred !!
So, ven do I start?
 

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Duck walks into a bar. Asks the bartender... "hey, do you got any duck food?"
Bartender- "No... no I don't have any duck food, and for your info it's illegal for ducks to be a bar so get the hell outta here. "

Duck comes back the next day. "Hey.... you got any duck food?"
Bartender= ".. NO! what did I say the other day? I don't have any duck food. Now get the HELL OUTTA HERE before I nail your feet to the floor!"

Next day, duck comes back to bar. "............Hey... you got any nails?"
Bartender - "No ... "
Duck- "...........you got any duck food?"
 

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Duck walks into a bar. Asks the bartender... "hey, do you got any duck food?"
Bartender- "No... no I don't have any duck food, and for your info it's illegal for ducks to be a bar so get the hell outta here. "

Duck comes back the next day. "Hey.... you got any duck food?"
Bartender= ".. NO! what did I say the other day? I don't have any duck food. Now get the HELL OUTTA HERE before I nail your feet to the floor!"

Next day, duck comes back to bar. "............Hey... you got any nails?"
Bartender - "No ... "
Duck- "...........you got any duck food?"

There's 2 more of these too
 

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A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
 

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G20 OG
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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
 

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Prince of Gnet
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6,765 Posts
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp......h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
 

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i read that joke in a ups store over the summer. gave me chuckle.

why couldn't the bike stand up any more? it was two tired.

what do you call a cow that can't quite jump over a fence? an udder disaster.

what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef.

what do you call a guy on your front porch? Matt.

what do you call a guy floatinf in your pool? Bob.

what do you call a girl with one leg? Eileen. where does she work? ihop.

sorry for any reposts!
 

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Dirty Porn Music


A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
 

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Prince of Gnet
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Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
 
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