Infiniti G20 Nissan Primera Forum banner

661 - 680 of 685 Posts

·
G20 OG
Joined
·
6,684 Posts
Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"
 

·
G20 OG
Joined
·
6,684 Posts
Angelo has broken his lef and his buddy Tony comes over to see him.
Tony says, How you doing?
Angelo say okay but do me a favor goomba and run upstairs and get my slippers my feet are freezing

Tony goes upstairs and sees Angelos gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters lying in bed

He says You dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They say Prove it
Tony shouts downstairs Hey Ange both em?
Angelo shouts back Of course both of em, what good is fuckin one?
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,892 Posts
Awesome.

Stealing that lol
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi!, how are you?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said "rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
The following text was sent to Fred's cell phone:

I am so sorry Fred. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
...
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her....

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Dang autocorrect. I meant "wi-fi", not "wife!"
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the

wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of
kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of
his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a
conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a
Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.



"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.

"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.

"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I
mean,

where's ya' wheelie bin?'"

" OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers
in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me…. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod!
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
Upon retirement a man booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.





He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells, honed to a hollow ground edge, are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a motorcycle?”
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
A rather ornery 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "I stole a can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was desperately hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can....
She replied "There were six".
The judge then said, "Ok, I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, "What is it?"
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas!"
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you 100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old
lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him
but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the hell outta of Obama again.
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.



On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also....

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, an elderly gentleman tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
 

·
Pining for "DMSentra"
Joined
·
5,558 Posts
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see her driver's license.
She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 
661 - 680 of 685 Posts
Top